Do you recognise this person?

Please help. If you recognise this person, you can tell them how to find me. If this is you, I met you just once and I’d like my old life back please or to see you again thank you.

Ronan keating has a beard now, you said

But I do not know what Ronan Keating looks like

Ronan Keating is acting now, you said,

But I do not know what acting is in this context

Ronan Keating, you said, lives in a field now all day long he eats grass and licks salt cubes

You said Ronan Keating upsets the cows, and his eyes have both changed colour

But I do not know what colour they were before

Ronan Keating’s eyes are made of glass, but he can still see, you said. He can feel the vibrations in the air, because at the heart of it, when you take everything else away

Ronan Keating is all about the music. He just loves music

But I do not know who this man is. You said all this on your red bike, which belonged to your boyfriend, who I worked a couple of shifts with once.

You said he gave the bike to you because he wanted to buy another one. Your boyfriend, that is, not Ronan Keating.

Ronan Keating, you said, did not give away his spare bikes to anyone.

You were on this hand-me-down red bike telling me about fields and mysterious eyes, and a man who eats grass. I do not believe I spoke even once.

And I wanted to tell you that the bike you were on was a fine bike. That it was manufactured in the town where I grew up

And that the town is twinned with a city in France, which has a view of mountains, and a delicious kind of potato pancake that is a speciality of the area, or so we were told at school.

But I didn’t want to interrupt you, in case you might not say anything else, in case you might just ride away.

I woke alone in the cathedral green, and even though there was frost all around me, I felt warm, like I was under a fine blanket. And that’s when I realised I was covered in halopeters. They were on me like long haired mice, but flat, like jelly fish. Jelly fish with luscious blond and ginger hair.

They reacted to my waking state by clenching onto me. A hundred, maybe a thousand viscious hugs, and once they were locked in, they began to hum. The whole of my body vibrated and shivered with them. I was paralysed by it – like an electric shock simulated by very high frequency motion. They had me like that, shivering and buzzing for an hour while the sun ached up the sky.

I found out later that you and your boyfriend broke up. He refused to sell me the red bike that you had returned to him. He said you had left town, gone traveling, might meet up with you in Barcelona, he said. But couldn’t be sure. He didn’t talk to me much after that. He stopped working in the bar where we worked.

A few months later, I also got fired from the bar. I was discovered asleep in the coats in the cloakroom for the upstairs club night.

After the halopeters had receded from me on the cathedral green, I’d gone home and tried to sleep. But I couldn’t quite get there. I have not slept again, not really. I can’t really sleep at all, except for little dozes that come upon me in sudden waves, normally when I am supposed to be working. I have moved from job to job. I worked in a petshop. Nothing has turned out the way I hoped it would.

And I wondered, did they ever come to you? The halopeters. Or did you escape it all, I hope so. With all my heart I do hope so.

Can you tell me where you are now please if you recongise yourself from this conversation.